Wednesday, 18 February 2015

18/02/2015 Update

Hello Everyone =]

This post is going to be hard for me, I don't know how to explain myself any more and its hard for me to talk lately.
I have nothing in me to "go" any more, if you don't know this, I have depression, and i do take anti-depressants for it, I'm not ready to fully talk about it yet but i will eventually.
Every day its getting harder for me to be myself, even being with my family, i just want to lock myself away but I'm going to contradict myself by saying i hate being alone.
I wish there was somewhere i can go, just de-stress and relax without having to worry about things, like lack of money.
It's strange that I'm being "open" on here, and usually I'm not, its hard and confusing, nothing makes sense in my head any more.
I do the same thing every single day, I go to sleep at about 3am, get up at 10am, go back to bed at 1pm and then wake up at 6pm, its a such circle. I've become so used to being at home that I hate going on public transport by myself and I don't like going out in the dark either unless I'm with my mum.
I'm meant to be going to a meal tomorrow for my sisters birthday but i don't think i can go. Me and social situations do not go together, i don't dress nicely, i dress for comfort and i don't wear make up or do my hair, i prefer just to be in my house by myself watching tv in my pjs.
I've become a hermit, my body cant do much like it used too, I've gained a lot of weight from comfort eating and its playing havoc on my knees, walking is painful and even a 5min walk to my local shop causes me to sweat and get out of breath. I feel like giving up (not suicide) just hoping one day that i will disappear.
I am not writing this for sympathy, I'm writing this for me, I don't talk to any one any more and i just need to say something without being judged.
The only dates i am looking forward too are:

24th March = Medical Assessment
26th March = Dental Appointment for Sedation
27th April = My Break Away

I'm sorry for this "depressing" post, i just had to say something.

Will write soon, Emyii xxx

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