Sunday, 9 August 2015

Who Is The Real Me?

Hello Everyone

This is one of the hardest things I've had to write. I hope you can all understand and I don't mean to offend anyone.

Who is the real me?

All my life, I have been hiding behind multiple masks just to fit in with everyone. I've spent my life lying to myself and others, just to feel like everyone else.
Have you ever felt that isolated from family and friends, that you have no choice but to put a smile on your face and lie about everything?
I have done this so many times, it usually ends with me crying myself to sleep.

I've always known I was different, starting from when I was younger, to me, I was weird Emma and got into trouble a lot. Growing up didn't change that, I was still naughty. But I changed, that happy, weird Emma had disappeared and a more morbid version arose, I had obsessions with death and blood. I started cutting and I wanted to die.

After school, I tried to fit in with a different crowd by drinking and smoking, yet I was still rebellious. I felt like I deserved this life and anything that happened to me.

Now, my life has turned itself upside down. I don't see anyone from my past, I don't get bullied, I stopped drinking and smoking. All I do is eat, sleep, watch TV and browse the internet.
I rarely go out, maybe on the weekend to see family but only if someone is with me.

I was diagnosed with depression about a year a go but I think I've always had it. In my head, I feel worthless and I don't deserve to be here as I'm not helping anyone. I've never worked, how sad is that? I'm 24 and I've never had a job, shocking, I know!

I just think there are more deserving people out there than me and I'm just a waste of space. People always tell me to "be more positive" and "cheer up" but I can't, I don't know how too, happiness has drained out of me.

Finding out that I have aspergers syndrome has been hard too, I'm noticing that I'm being treated differently, people are becoming more cautious around me. All I hear is how there are loads of people out there who are smart and I'm not one of them and I wish people would stop presuming.
I don't ever see myself getting married or having kids, or even moving out.

I wish I was still young, playing with my barbies and not stressing about what every day will bring.

I hope that one day I can find the real me.

Don't be afraid to ask me any questions and if you want to talk to me then you can find me on Twitter

Will write soon, Emma xxx

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