Autism - Temper Meltdowns

Hello Everyone =]

Today's post is about temper meltdowns (emotional outbursts).
This post will be set out in different chapters, as I've said in previous autism posts, this is hard for me to explain, so I've had help from school friends and family for some parts.

School - What I Remember

Because of years of bullying for being "different" I lashed out, most notably was my anger, anything would set me off and it wasn't very pretty to experience. I screamed, kicked, threw things, swore, used threatening behavior and i walked out of lessons a lot and even on a few occasions I would walk home.
As far back as I can remember I have always cried when I didn't want to do anything, as I got older it became worse, crying was a sign of weakness. From peer pressure I threatened a pupil with a knife then got suspended for it. Even after that happened I was known for throwing tables and chairs in anger and even kicking and punching walls and doors.

School Friends

I recently got in contact with people I went to school with and asked them what meltdown they saw.

Jessica - "In music, they asked you to play some notes on the keyboard and you played only one then stormed out crying". 

Louise - "I just remember you telling everyone that you had a list of people that you were going to hurt or kill and saying you carried a knife with you".

Jamie - "I only remember the time in English when you flipped the table". 

April - "I remember sometimes, you would just go off on one in some classes like math, sometimes at lunchtime you would walk away from everyone in a mood". 

Steph - "I just remember if you had to do something on your own, you would opt out, i remember you being upset all the time". 

Family

Mum - Walked off in shops. On holiday - always had to go somewhere i could eat at and even after eating i didn't want to stay out, would rather go back to the apartment. I would always push my grandad away when he wanted a kiss from me. 

This next section will be about my triggers and how I solve them.

Triggers

If I want to achieve somethings and it doesn't go to plan then I get anxious. 

Large groups of people (even family) - I get anxious and leave the room.

My sister teasing me - once threw a full can of coke at her head. 

Arguments with my dad.

Being touched.

Being embarrassed.

Solutions

Talking to my mum.

Walking away.

Crying.

Sleeping.

Music.

Breathing exercises. 

How I Feel Afterwards

Embarrassed. 

Fear of being laughed at. 

Fear of losing someone for what I did. 

Confused. 

I have recently found a blog that I have taken some information off for this subject, you can find that blog here

Information

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Powerless.

Flight or fight.

Overstimulated.

It's not an emotional outburst or behavior issue, it is a physiological occurrence that must run its course.

If interrupted, it will likely start all over again in a few minutes.

It feels like a rubber band pulled to the snapping point.

What I don't want to hear: it's okay, you need to pull yourself together, everything will be fine.

Meltdowns are necessary, cleansing, an emotional purge, a neurological reboot.

Information for Family & Friends

Let them rant, cry, do whatever form the meltdown takes.

Stay calm, say little, remind the person that you care, either give them there space or going for a walk can help. It is not a personal attack.

What I need: space, time, absence of judgement.

Please don't ask me if I want to talk about it.

Will comforting me help? No!

Would I like a hug? No!

Can you do anything to make me feel better? Probably not!

Please don't touch me.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable seeing me curled up in a ball then remove yourself from the situation.

Patience!!!!

They are inevitable!

I hope this post has helped in any way.

Love, Emma xxx

Valentines Day - Autism & Love

Hello Everyone =]

As you can tell by the title, this valentines post will be about autism - love and relationships.
To be honest, if you follow me on twitter, you will know that I have been having trouble writing this, so bear with me if its all jumbled haha.

To start off with this subject, I'm going to talk about the myths and facts (these are my own opinions and experiences, it is different for everyone, but I'm sharing with you on what I feel)

1) Myth - People with autism have no empathy?
    Fact - Wrong, we do have empathy, we just find it hard in expressing it but we do love and have full concern over anyone.

2) Myth - People with autism are anti-social?
    Fact - Not all of us are, I choose to be anti-social for my own time by myself. Shyness also comes into this and we are so afraid of upsetting or offending anyone.

3) Myth - People with autism will never find romance?
    Fact - We do, and in our own way, it just takes time.

Sometimes this can happen: "I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk, I don't want to cuddle, I don't want to be near you, I need to be alone". But we still care and love you!

The points I'm going to make now are based on circumstances that may happen and how to approach it:

1) Hugging can feel claustrophobic - With time it will happen or like me, you could ask.

2) Communicating loving words may not feel natural - I rarely say it, but it doesn't mean I've stopped, the only way for me to express love is through writing it down or buying gifts that I know they will love.

3) Highly sensitive - We may take things you say literally and become hurt over jokey behaviour or innocent comments. We can be offended easily and become upset or emotion about things that may seem trivial.

4) Higher empathy - We feel things for others as though we are experiencing it ourselves - example: I always felt I had to protect people, friends, family, anyone, rather than looking after myself.

5) Eye contact - I can hold contact but not for long, we feel intrusive.

6) Heightened sensory perception - Bright lights, loud music, different temperatures, touching e.g. holding hands.

7) Meltdowns - I experience panic attacks, crying, shouting, throwing things.

This next section is some random things that I have experienced:

Falling in love too soon can become an obsession - including obsessive texting/calling.

Even though I need reassurance and comfort, I will back away when I need too and I can be quite cold about it.

Would rather stick to the same routine all the time, my last relationship, consisted of me, always wanting to lie in bed all day and do nothing.

Rejected for inappropriate behaviour - I think with me, because I started puberty at 9 years of age that I became more sexually aware and thought it was "normal" to chase girls around the playground pulling up their skirts and kicking boys in genitals.

Social withdrawal, fear, confusion about our bodies, mutism, awkwardness, ticks, lack of reciprocal conversation skills, embarrassment - these can all limit us to the person we choose.

Neglect our appearance - I have gone so many times with not brushing my hair, just washing it then tying it back and I don't wear make up either.

Not realising we are being treated badly and we can be easy to manipulate - this has happened to me all my life, because I thought everyone did it.

Emotional naivete - Walt disney view of romance, unrealistic pictures of relationships get us hurt. I thought I would end up all loved up in this perfect world where nothing goes wrong, unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

Sometimes scared of physical touch - I rarely hug someone, unless I'm upset then its usually my mum.

Act, feel, often appear younger than our age - I have a face of a 40 year old yet on the inside I feel 12, and sometimes it will show.

We change ourselves to be accepted and mimic the kind of girl you want us to be - I have done this and it never works they way you want it too, you always come around as fake.

First sexual encounter with someone can make me love you. I've never had a one night stand, I wouldn't want to get attached to someone who didn't want me in return.

Perceived to be cold natured, self-centred and unfriendly - I have lost people I care about because of these traits.

Doesn't go out much - This only effects me now, not much when I was a teenager as I had friends that I wanted to see and hang out with.

May choose to remain celibate or alone.

Often prefers the company of animals - I do love my cats, but they do get on my nerves haha.

I chose 2 examples from my life =

1) You can tell me I'm beautiful and pretty but I wouldn't believe you.
2) Becoming obsessed with someone from school, stealing a picture of him off the school computers because I liked him and wanted to be with him.

What I want: He needs to be confident, have a sense of humour, a little bit more intelligent than me, and very understanding of all the issues I have, can show sensitivity in his reactions to routines and obsessive behaviour.

Not every autistic person is alike!

I hope I did this post proud, any comments would be much appreciated =]

Happy Valentines Day Everyone.

Love, Emma xxx

I Have A Voice

Hello, my name is Emma and I have aspergers.

Something was brought to my attention recently. My sister has been watching the undateables and asked me how come I don't talk like other autistic person and my response was, because I have grown up with outspoken people and been told all my life that there was nothing wrong with me.

According to doctors, woman with autism, don't show signs of it and are better at concealing it.

And I am, I can hide anything from anyone. I am cruel, selfish, jealous and a very negative person.

So how am I different to none aspies?

• I don't care for my appearance. 
• If I know I'm going on holiday. then I will research everything - location, activities, read all reviews about where I'm staying and what is near by. 
• I wear sunglasses even if there isn't any sun. 
• I use plastic spoons to eat pudding and cereals. 
• I dream every time I close my eyes and they are always vivid, my nightmares are the worst, I cry in my sleep. I can sometimes control my dreams as well.
• I hate going out by myself, the thought of crossing a busy road scares me, and if the person I'm with crosses without me then I get really agitated. 
• I have mild OCD.
• I struggle with change and prefer it didn't happen. 
• Classical music calms me. 
• I can listen to loud music but I have to control the volume of it. 
• My social skills are crap - I struggle to make friends and keep them or they drop me.
• I hate large groups of people (even family members).
• I'm shy.
• When I get angry, I scream and throw things.
• I don't like being touched unless asked first. 
• I play children's dress up games online when I'm bored.
• I love art, especially photography, that's where my creativity started.
• I'm an attention seeker and crave it from partners.
• My head is like a giant bomb, if it ever went off, I'd probably end up in a mental hospital. 
• If I'm in a quiet room, someone's breathing will drive me crazy.
• I've never had a job.
• I don't understand hints, so if you have something to say, just say it.
• I can't understand math at all. 
• I will tell you how it is. 
• I can't tell the time, concept of time stresses me out, I like working at my own pace. 
• I hate being stared at - even though I like eye contact when I'm talking to you. 
• If your being mean as I joke, I will take it personally, 
• I don't like interrupting conversations but if I have something to say I can't wait otherwise I will forget.
• I am rude, immature, childish and sarcastic. 
• I swear a lot.
• I get distracted easily.
• I am not the same as every other autistic person, so don't assume.
• I work better following pictures and videos. 
• I can love but show it differently - I buy presents to represent my love for you. 
• I can worry about other people.
• If you give me a gift, even though I don't look grateful, I am.
• I leave things to the last minute.
• Anything can stress me out. 
• I have depression. 
• I will reveal personally things about myself to strangers. 
• I don't trust anyone, not even my family. 
• I can put a mask on and act happy. 
• I love facts. 
• Not every autistic person is highly intelligent. 
• I lie and I hate doing it, but if it means not hurting someone then I will do it. 
• It's easy to manipulate me. 
• I have sensory issues. 
• I'd rather be at home than anywhere else. 
• Getting older scares me, especially if everyone leaves me.
• I love fantasy, sci fi, and anime that I wish my life was like them. 

That's all I can think of right now, in the future I will add to it. 

Just because people know about autism, doesn't make it right to judge me and presume you know how I feel and cope with it.

There is no cure! Don't give us a reason to think so. 

After 4 years of blogging, I can say that I love you all for accepting me. 

Thank you =] 

Love, Emma xxx