Update

Hello Everyone 😊

Wow, it's been a while since I have written properly on here. My motivation is lacking, basically, it's in the shit bin! (This might not make sense, just writing what I feel)
I have always tried to be as "frank" as possible on here, lying gets you nowhere in life. This blog is an expression of my life, this might sound stupid as hell, but I love this blog, I love writing about anything. I check my views multiple times during the day, every day, seeing what people have been reading and hopefully enjoying what I write.
So to be as real as possible, I will tell you the realness with my mental health. If you know me, then you know I'm a negative person, always have been, I'm my worst critic. Having depression + autism + negativity is the worst. My brain is constantly on, it never shuts off when I sleep, everything is heightened, I can't relax at all, the slightest thing can piss me off, now add that to depression, every day I wake up, wishing I didn't, would I be better off dead, is there any point in living a life going no where, why do I want to live in a world that is going to shit. My problem; couldn't kill myself if I tried, I'm afraid of death, leaving this world in pain, terrifies me, what happens to my family, my cats, my possessions, what happens to my blog and my social media, its stupid to think about, but in this day and age, its all we think about really.
When you read this, you'll probably think I need help. But I don't really, I'm not going to kill myself, I have lived with this feeling all my life and 26 years later, I am still here.
Yes, sometimes, I need to vent, usually twitter and instagram get the worst of it.
But, I know, my problems are not as worse as some people have it, I'm not dying of an incurable disease, I have not been raped, attacked or been put in a life and death situation.
My life now, is nothing. I do nothing, every day life is the same, I go to sleep, I wake, watch tv, play games, sleep more, eat. That's it! Most of my time is spent alone, I rarely go out and when I do, I'm with my family.
I live off my benefits and do nothing to support my mum at home because I am lazy and selfish.
I wish I wasn't negative all the time, but shit happens.
I try to be happy when I'm not but no one never knows as I don't show it.
I didn't want my blog to go down this route of being negative and depressive, But I can't shy away from what I'm feeling, in my mind, I am still that immature 16 year old who doesn't want to grow up. I don't feel like an adult, even though I do have bills to pay. I don't want to get older, I want to keep playing the sims and watching Barbie films forever. I refuse to grow up for anyone.
I hope this post hasn't angered anyone, feel free to private message me on Twitter

I'm hoping to be happier soon, I bought some sports clothes, I'm fat and its getting harder to walk, so I'm determined to lose weight by walking everyday. I did hear somewhere that exercise is good for depression, lets hope so.

Also hoping to produce more content this month too. Get my blog back to normal again and maybe less depressive posts in the future.

Love, Emma xxx

Autism - Temper Meltdowns

Hello Everyone =]

Today's post is about temper meltdowns (emotional outbursts).
This post will be set out in different chapters, as I've said in previous autism posts, this is hard for me to explain, so I've had help from school friends and family for some parts.

School - What I Remember

Because of years of bullying for being "different" I lashed out, most notably was my anger, anything would set me off and it wasn't very pretty to experience. I screamed, kicked, threw things, swore, used threatening behavior and i walked out of lessons a lot and even on a few occasions I would walk home.
As far back as I can remember I have always cried when I didn't want to do anything, as I got older it became worse, crying was a sign of weakness. From peer pressure I threatened a pupil with a knife then got suspended for it. Even after that happened I was known for throwing tables and chairs in anger and even kicking and punching walls and doors.

School Friends

I recently got in contact with people I went to school with and asked them what meltdown they saw.

Jessica - "In music, they asked you to play some notes on the keyboard and you played only one then stormed out crying". 

Louise - "I just remember you telling everyone that you had a list of people that you were going to hurt or kill and saying you carried a knife with you".

Jamie - "I only remember the time in English when you flipped the table". 

April - "I remember sometimes, you would just go off on one in some classes like math, sometimes at lunchtime you would walk away from everyone in a mood". 

Steph - "I just remember if you had to do something on your own, you would opt out, i remember you being upset all the time". 

Family

Mum - Walked off in shops. On holiday - always had to go somewhere i could eat at and even after eating i didn't want to stay out, would rather go back to the apartment. I would always push my grandad away when he wanted a kiss from me. 

This next section will be about my triggers and how I solve them.

Triggers

If I want to achieve somethings and it doesn't go to plan then I get anxious. 

Large groups of people (even family) - I get anxious and leave the room.

My sister teasing me - once threw a full can of coke at her head. 

Arguments with my dad.

Being touched.

Being embarrassed.

Solutions

Talking to my mum.

Walking away.

Crying.

Sleeping.

Music.

Breathing exercises. 

How I Feel Afterwards

Embarrassed. 

Fear of being laughed at. 

Fear of losing someone for what I did. 

Confused. 

I have recently found a blog that I have taken some information off for this subject, you can find that blog here

Information

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Powerless.

Flight or fight.

Overstimulated.

It's not an emotional outburst or behavior issue, it is a physiological occurrence that must run its course.

If interrupted, it will likely start all over again in a few minutes.

It feels like a rubber band pulled to the snapping point.

What I don't want to hear: it's okay, you need to pull yourself together, everything will be fine.

Meltdowns are necessary, cleansing, an emotional purge, a neurological reboot.

Information for Family & Friends

Let them rant, cry, do whatever form the meltdown takes.

Stay calm, say little, remind the person that you care, either give them there space or going for a walk can help. It is not a personal attack.

What I need: space, time, absence of judgement.

Please don't ask me if I want to talk about it.

Will comforting me help? No!

Would I like a hug? No!

Can you do anything to make me feel better? Probably not!

Please don't touch me.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable seeing me curled up in a ball then remove yourself from the situation.

Patience!!!!

They are inevitable!

I hope this post has helped in any way.

Love, Emma xxx

I Have A Voice

Hello, my name is Emma and I have aspergers.

Something was brought to my attention recently. My sister has been watching the undateables and asked me how come I don't talk like other autistic person and my response was, because I have grown up with outspoken people and been told all my life that there was nothing wrong with me.

According to doctors, woman with autism, don't show signs of it and are better at concealing it.

And I am, I can hide anything from anyone. I am cruel, selfish, jealous and a very negative person.

So how am I different to none aspies?

• I don't care for my appearance. 
• If I know I'm going on holiday. then I will research everything - location, activities, read all reviews about where I'm staying and what is near by. 
• I wear sunglasses even if there isn't any sun. 
• I use plastic spoons to eat pudding and cereals. 
• I dream every time I close my eyes and they are always vivid, my nightmares are the worst, I cry in my sleep. I can sometimes control my dreams as well.
• I hate going out by myself, the thought of crossing a busy road scares me, and if the person I'm with crosses without me then I get really agitated. 
• I have mild OCD.
• I struggle with change and prefer it didn't happen. 
• Classical music calms me. 
• I can listen to loud music but I have to control the volume of it. 
• My social skills are crap - I struggle to make friends and keep them or they drop me.
• I hate large groups of people (even family members).
• I'm shy.
• When I get angry, I scream and throw things.
• I don't like being touched unless asked first. 
• I play children's dress up games online when I'm bored.
• I love art, especially photography, that's where my creativity started.
• I'm an attention seeker and crave it from partners.
• My head is like a giant bomb, if it ever went off, I'd probably end up in a mental hospital. 
• If I'm in a quiet room, someone's breathing will drive me crazy.
• I've never had a job.
• I don't understand hints, so if you have something to say, just say it.
• I can't understand math at all. 
• I will tell you how it is. 
• I can't tell the time, concept of time stresses me out, I like working at my own pace. 
• I hate being stared at - even though I like eye contact when I'm talking to you. 
• If your being mean as I joke, I will take it personally, 
• I don't like interrupting conversations but if I have something to say I can't wait otherwise I will forget.
• I am rude, immature, childish and sarcastic. 
• I swear a lot.
• I get distracted easily.
• I am not the same as every other autistic person, so don't assume.
• I work better following pictures and videos. 
• I can love but show it differently - I buy presents to represent my love for you. 
• I can worry about other people.
• If you give me a gift, even though I don't look grateful, I am.
• I leave things to the last minute.
• Anything can stress me out. 
• I have depression. 
• I will reveal personally things about myself to strangers. 
• I don't trust anyone, not even my family. 
• I can put a mask on and act happy. 
• I love facts. 
• Not every autistic person is highly intelligent. 
• I lie and I hate doing it, but if it means not hurting someone then I will do it. 
• It's easy to manipulate me. 
• I have sensory issues. 
• I'd rather be at home than anywhere else. 
• Getting older scares me, especially if everyone leaves me.
• I love fantasy, sci fi, and anime that I wish my life was like them. 

That's all I can think of right now, in the future I will add to it. 

Just because people know about autism, doesn't make it right to judge me and presume you know how I feel and cope with it.

There is no cure! Don't give us a reason to think so. 

After 4 years of blogging, I can say that I love you all for accepting me. 

Thank you =] 

Love, Emma xxx