Saturday, 24 September 2016

Late Night Chat

Hello Everyone
Sat here, alone, with so many thoughts running round my head, need to release some, may as well be on here.
So there is only 25 days left til my holiday and I'm shitting one! Bearing in mind, I haven't been on holiday with my dad since I was about 15 and also I don't live with him, I see him nearly every weekend but its only for a couple of hours each time. Since having my diagnosis of aspergers, he said he understands but I know he doesn't. I know I'm going to panic on the plane, I know my sister will be there to support me, but I don't want to embarrass him, I also don't know how my 6 year old half sister would act if I were to have a meltdown, either on the plane or in the villa. I'm scared, but anytime I mention anything to him, he shuts me down, tells me to stop being silly and that I'll be okay. It's a difficult situation, I'm hoping my sister can help me out if I need it.
I also don't think that some family members know that depression is different in each person, yes I may be laughing but inside its a different story, that I don't wish to indulge anyone in, as its my messed up mind, no one else's.

I recently had my 2nd year DWP assessment, basically, if I don't "pass" by there rules then they will throw me into work. And I know I'm 26 now and I should be working but I don't want too, I've never wanted too, I work better by myself, in my own time. I should be really going self employed but I have no motivation to make anything, its a cruel, selfish circle.

I've also realized that I haven't done an autism post in a while, its tricky, to me and my family, I've always been Emma, now i'm Emma who's finally been diagnosed as autistic. Yes, its my own fault for not getting assessed when i was younger, but for someone who was bullied for being different and just wanting to be normal, i didn't want to be known as autistic, and I know that sounds so bad but it was bad thing back then. But I now know how much my life would of been different if i were diagnosed earlier, but would i have ended up the person i am now? I think not!

My weight is also an issue for me at the moment too, don't know if you remember, but at the start of the year, i tried the slim fast diet then gave up because i was too hungry. Well, knowing that i'm going on holiday, I've found it so hard, trying to find swimwear that fits. As I don't have any money, I've been buying stuff off my catalog, lets just say, i tried on nearly every swimwear they sold, finally found one that fits but I hate my legs and I'm currently on the hunt for a pair of mens swim shorts that i can wear with it as well.
I know i'm going to be fat on holiday, I wish i was going somewhere cold so i could wrap up instead, its been so hard, trying to find summer clothes as its autumn, but i found a few bits, i just don't want to look like a whale in the pool/beach. Or have my family take the piss out of me for being fat, unfortunately it does happen and it does hurt my feelings.

In my last post, I said that I've started a bullet journal, well I did for a few days then I've forgotten about it, I will be getting back into it, might start a new week next week. I am looking forward to using it on holiday too, and afterwards you will get a post on it, so that's a bonus.

I'm so sorry that this post was so negative but I feel a bit better that I've written all this down now.

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter, im more active on there =]

Love, Emma xxx

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