So there is only 25 days left til my holiday and I'm shitting one! Bearing in mind, I haven't been on holiday with my dad since I was about 15 and also I don't live with him, I see him nearly every weekend but its only for a couple of hours each time. Since having my diagnosis of aspergers, he said he understands but I know he doesn't. I know I'm going to panic on the plane, I know my sister will be there to support me, but I don't want to embarrass him, I also don't know how my 6 year old half sister would act if I were to have a meltdown, either on the plane or in the villa. I'm scared, but anytime I mention anything to him, he shuts me down, tells me to stop being silly and that I'll be okay. It's a difficult situation, I'm hoping my sister can help me out if I need it.
I also don't think that some family members know that depression is different in each person, yes I may be laughing but inside its a different story, that I don't wish to indulge anyone in, as its my messed up mind, no one else's.
I recently had my 2nd year DWP assessment, basically, if I don't "pass" by there rules then they will throw me into work. And I know I'm 26 now and I should be working but I don't want too, I've never wanted too, I work better by myself, in my own time. I should be really going self employed but I have no motivation to make anything, its a cruel, selfish circle.
I've also realized that I haven't done an autism post in a while, its tricky, to me and my family, I've always been Emma, now i'm Emma who's finally been diagnosed as autistic. Yes, its my own fault for not getting assessed when i was younger, but for someone who was bullied for being different and just wanting to be normal, i didn't want to be known as autistic, and I know that sounds so bad but it was bad thing back then. But I now know how much my life would of been different if i were diagnosed earlier, but would i have ended up the person i am now? I think not!
My weight is also an issue for me at the moment too, don't know if you remember, but at the start of the year, i tried the slim fast diet then gave up because i was too hungry. Well, knowing that i'm going on holiday, I've found it so hard, trying to find swimwear that fits. As I don't have any money, I've been buying stuff off my catalog, lets just say, i tried on nearly every swimwear they sold, finally found one that fits but I hate my legs and I'm currently on the hunt for a pair of mens swim shorts that i can wear with it as well.
I know i'm going to be fat on holiday, I wish i was going somewhere cold so i could wrap up instead, its been so hard, trying to find summer clothes as its autumn, but i found a few bits, i just don't want to look like a whale in the pool/beach. Or have my family take the piss out of me for being fat, unfortunately it does happen and it does hurt my feelings.
In my last post, I said that I've started a bullet journal, well I did for a few days then I've forgotten about it, I will be getting back into it, might start a new week next week. I am looking forward to using it on holiday too, and afterwards you will get a post on it, so that's a bonus.
I'm so sorry that this post was so negative but I feel a bit better that I've written all this down now.
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Love, Emma xxx