Today, I'm talking about my depression, this post is all over the place as i don't know how to write it, so bear with me if its a bit long.
I think I've always been depressed, i was depressed when i went to school, i did a bullying post here which will explain why i was depressed in school but I'm going to try to go into more detail now. Bear with me though, this is very hard for me to write about as its extremely personal and not many people know about it as i don't talk about my feelings to anyone.
As i previously said in my bullying post, i did cut myself, I had no one, no "real" friends and no one to talk too, now its similar, although i am not cutting myself but i don't need too because my nightmares scare me enough.
I am no way in writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me, this is my life and i want to be understood.
I always feel worthless and not good enough, especially with blogging, though i continue to do it because i love it, i just get down when i see other bloggers posts and mine aren't good enough for the community, i also feel worthless in life, like everyone else is better than me and i can never do any good.
I've been having trouble sleeping as well, as i nap during the day, i don't usually go to bed at a "normal" time so I'm up in the early hours in the morning, i also have nightmares most nights and sleeping during the day kind of helps with that.
I've also gained weight, from over eating and sitting on the couch constantly, its getting harder for me to walk, my knees hurt more and i get out of breath, but I'm going to quit smoking and hopefully i can lose the weight as well and be healthy.
My brain isn't working lately, I'm finding it harder to remember things, even from the morning to the afternoon, i have no motivation to do anything, i cant do anything to make me feel happy because i don't want to do it. I rarely leave the house as well, i haven't been out for a family meal in ages because i cant be seen as the "ugly and fat girl". I also cant go out when its dark unless I'm with someone because I've become scared of the dark.
Some days I'm okay and i will have a laugh but then i have my bad days and i don't want to see or talk to anyone and i just hide away in my room.
I'm not suicidal, I'm actually scared of death but i do have feelings on some days where i think about what if i wasn't around any more! would it matter! does anyone care! i don't do anything, why am i here!
I wont be getting counselling til me and my doctors find out if i have autism or not, so all I'm doing is waiting really, i have no one to talk too, and I've always bottled things up, i don't like putting my problems on other people because they have their own worries.
I'm hoping that writing this on here, can push me to talk to my family and having this wonderful community help me to get out of my depressing state.
I'm also on 40mg of fluxoteine and i think its helping, I'm a bit emotionless at the moment, cant seem to cry when i want too, a family member died yesterday and it hasn't hit me yet.
I want people to understand, no presume that I'm being "lazy", i want people to understand that some days, i just cant face it!
I love you all for reading my posts, means so much to me! All i have is this blog (its my baby)
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Will write soon, Emma xxx